More informal home advice from Robin

Our friend Robin has been sending these lists out. Please pardon the grammar, it's all she can do to get it out there to other people, and a service I'm glad she's providing. It does provide a lot of food for thought. And it makes me really glad I have my boys in scouts.

Please keep in mind I am typing these as if I’d be speaking to you, short, brief, slang, to the point, no messin’ around…I’m tired, short of time but I do want to share what I have learned that might be of support to you.

Pray for me as I do for you, robin


11. Boys, boy’s boys: what do you do with your boys and how come very few families home school their older boys!

Robin Reply:

(I JUST sent mine into the mountains and told my husband to put them each atop a DIFFERENT hill and tell them, ‘good luck boys, come back men!!”)

Ok, I hear ya sister! There is nothing like boys; their kiss on the cheek, their bringing mom a flower at age 2, 12, or 22 is unforgettable, their smile, and now, as I have older ones, their ability to care for me and their sisters, the pride they exude when brining the fire wood and setting the fire, fixing the broken bike or lifting a heavy box for me; best yet, how my oldest son awaits in the car for me after the gym cuz mom is chatting; he leans over to open the door for me as a sign of his honor.

Ahhh, boys, I do treasure then and thank God for them as hard as it is cuz as much joy and passion as they stir in me that is good and noble, I often question if the irritation and frustration and SMELL far outweighs the joy that I may be showing! J

Boys are challenging and different and we, as woman, don’t have a natural sense to give them what they need; we need to work at it. It is our responsibility to work at it and it’s well worth our effort to work at it. I’m not saying to replace the father or male figure, but, just as we need to recognize we once were premenstrual therefore we need to forgive the hormone highs and lows of our daughters and NOT get caught in a cat fight for we are the ones who will look like a fool (what they are doing is NORAML, what we are doing is childish and dysfunction – I’ve been there), we also need to be able to step back and accept our boys for where they are at, in fact, to thank God they are moving through the prepubescent boyhood into man hood; allow it, praise it, honor it and often send ‘it’ far into the woods! J

I also believe not all boys are the same of course and I also find that boys, coming consecutively, vs. a girl thrown in there to balance out the hormone/testosterone influx, also makes for a very different dynamic. (i.e.: I have mostly boy, girl, boy girls, but the one time I had two boys in a row...WOW…VERY different dynamic! ) Then, depending on mom’s temperament, the size of the house and the makeup of the dad; all varying possibilities to the depth of dirt, intensity of the smell and regularity of the surprises a mom is going to find herself asked to endure! J

Two books I highly recommend are: A Parent’s Guide to preventing Homosexuality and Wild at Heart. They go hand in hand; the short message is, boys/men are different and woman/wives/mothers need to recognize this and honor this. we also need to provide the environment for them for their ability to live out /carry out what they need to become strong noble men; we need to inspire them and support them which means, as always, picking our battles. IT means making sure they have a good strong father figure and male figures to ‘hang with’ and to emulate. It means sacrificing to make sure they have their ‘time in the woods’, even if this time means taking over part of the house to play games, have a pizza party and learn to play poker and eat only chips and root beer – possible also ‘hot tamales’. IT also means when Dad decides to keep them out later or rough house with them past their bed time; relax mom, walk away, let them have their way and trust this is bonding that will encourage strength, courage, nobility and manhood. This is not to say a mother/wife cannot and should not discuss her preference and encourage sound decision by her husband other male figures, I’m just saying, if you read these two books, your attitude will change from one of irritation and resentment towards one’s husband for taking care of his masculine needs and for nurturing your son, to an attitude of gratitude for the support you are given for YOU can never replaces this male figure you can only do your best to understand it, support it and to invite noble male models into the lives of your sons.

I just counseled a mother of four boys; on her list of ‘irritations’ was how they take 3-5 pumps of soap and stay in the bathroom ‘trashing’ it for so long and peeing around the toilet. My example included; encourage the soap and the bubbles and the creative things they can do with those but for the sake of raising noble men to be loved by their wives or welcomed into a monetary; demand good toilet manners!!! Seat wiped, lid down and floor mopped up but have a 'hay day' with those bubbles and use all the soap you want; just leave the bathroom cleaner than you found it. What mom does not know won’t hurt; usually.

Aside: for all obviously reasons, (if they are not obvious, reply to me privately) we have an open door policy, room a few boys together at least at once and we keep the boys downstairs for schooling. Schooling takes most of the day hence, by the time schooling responsibilities are cared for there is little to no more time to be ‘alone’ in the room; some privacy is necessary but TOO much idle time and guaranteed privacy is leading growing boys into temptations; girls do not have this same risk.

To reply to the question of home school homes cool boys; NOW I GET IT! I see why so few actually home school their boys through high school! Those boys are becoming young men and it makes sense that a MAN is their mentor more often than a woman; I’d think this to be normal and healthy. So, yes, I have home school one son through high school and another son is graduating this spring (presumably...its only the start of the school year nowJ) But we live in a very inconvenient place to send them to running start or coops, or, I KNOW I would do it more or at least consider it son by son whereas I might not feel as much the need to make these sacrifices for the girls. Of course, any time we ‘set them free’ there are risks but in my opinion, if you focus on a strong foundation, and if setting them up with some outside support in the high school years is doable then this will allow them to utilize the tools you have provided. If, on the other hand, you are not able to provide that schooling support outside of the home, I recommend investing in sports, scouts, or other opportunities that your boys are able to bond with growing young men and to have other male mentors and above all encourage, inspire and support your husband’s time away from home with the boys!

12. Husband traveling waah, ‘woe is me’.

Again, I hear ya sista….but now I’m feeling very different that you probably are right now. Why? Well, long ago I realized that in my little family my husband’s main role is to provide the cash and to play with my kids, then as the boys get older to really invest time with them, to ‘date’ my girls and to fix an occasional leaky toilet, fell a tree or clean the gutters and in that order. Now, the later ‘house work’ part, because he bonded with the boys by teaching them how to do it, is mostly done by my boys. My husband travels to Europe when he does travel so at times he is gone 2-3 weeks sometimes doing this 4-5 times a year. Do to economic times this is slowing down but my point is, I’ve had some experience here. The main message I am sending is this, IF your husband’s job is calling him away, and you two feel this job is where God is calling him then it is imperative that you, or you support him and figure out what God is asking of you i.e.; get over it J, lessen expectations, hire help, simplify. We want to see the expectations of Dad diminished to just ‘being’ wit the family to relives the load from him. God will provide and we as moms/wives need to accept that IF God is asking our husbands to be gone that much then there must be other ways of doing things that we once thought was the ‘right’ way for we are blessed to home school, we are blessed to have support husbands and there are many creative ways to accomplish one’s responsibilities as mother, teacher and wife….having a pity party or resenting our husbands is NOT one of them. The time away for my husband can end up being a time that my kids actually speak to him one on one more than when he is home. We make sure we have set times to talk, he makes sure to speak to each one before bed, we all write to him via email and we await his arrival….all good things. Moreover, I do my very best (often not reaching my goals as completely as I wish but I do try) to welcome him home with joy and thanksgiving for his efforts – vs. my earlier years, a ‘woe is me’ type ‘you left me’ attitude. Traveling is NOT easy, it is tiring and they always pay for it before they leave and when they come home at the office; they don’t need us whining and complaining atop the other stress; as I have OFTEN done! Shame on me.

All that being said, consult other friends who have husband who travel; have a short pity party/ share your struggle and invite their words of support, ask your friends to inspire you, open your mind to ways to get support, ask for help, consider what help you need and, of course, if you try everything and your school, home and marriage are suffering, it is only right to take this challenge to Adoration, to spiritual direction together and to consider alternative jobs for him.

33. As I'm getting organized for school to begin, I'm trying to figure out what to do with all of last year’s school stuff. What of your children's work do you keep each year? I don't want to be a pack-rat, but I also don't want to throw something away and regret it later. Are there things your children enjoy looking back on or that you like to reference? Do you need to keep any work for "record keeping" purposes? Thank you!

Short reply by Robin Betz

Are you enrolled in MODG; if yes, then I’d recommend keeping very little. If NO< then, hmmmm, maybe we should solicit someone else but my instinct is still to keep very little!:) picture your children and your children’s children browsing through these ‘keep sakes’…..biology results, NOT, self made bible with illustrations YES! J

I keep all of their ‘stuff’ that seems really ‘dear’ and also that will keep easily i.e.: their blank books that they have illustrated their poetry, their science journals, their creative writing; you get the picture. But, boring math, NO WAY!


NEXT EMAIL:

13. Some kids in home schooling, some at conventional schooling:

I can’t say how much I empathize with those who have kids in both homeschooling and public or private schooling, at the same time; I understand the need to do this at times. We, too, did this for 2 years and it was a tremendous burden, but one that we felt God was calling us to turn into His cross and buckle down and do so heroically until other plans could be made. I did a wretched job of it; homeschooling was the last thing I did, homeschooling was so burdensome and my child who was homeschooling felt it. My lack of confidence and strength is doing less for the school and more for my school kids in order to bring the appropriate balance was great; I did my home school child a great disservice.

Diving ones’ energy between home and school is a great task. As you know, having kids in school means not only that ‘routine’ but all the many relationships and extra commitments and temptations. So, it is often necessary but it’s important to prepare in all ways for this and allow it to enhance your life, seeing it as the blessing that it is, allow it to strengthen your marriage and family, or, admit this is NOT where you are called. Learn from my mistakes! J

14. Prayer time in home:

You as a family may find prayers traditions that are workable and easy to obtain and these traditions may stay in place for…ever. Or, you may find that these commitments are just not doable any longer; accept this, alter this, seek councel and make a new plan that you see (and your spiritual directors sees) is set up for success.

Mom’s prayer life, apart from the family’s spiritual commitment should include:

- seeking objective direction and setting goals for the season from Spiritual Director and other wise mom’s

-Simple doable commitments – too big, you’re set up for failure

-. I aim for my daily prayer time to reach, one hour a day (including family rote prayers), one hour a week, one hour a month in Adoration and one day a year in retreat.

When there are signs that something is lacking, my defects are outpouring. With humility I pray now that God make clear to me early on when I am slipping. I must take the time to examine my spiritual life. At one point that I was struggling and I was clearly in need of spiritual strength, I took the time to examine my life; I realized I did not have an intimate relationship with Christ or with Mary. I wanted one. I needed one, so I sought one with expectant faith. I was doing a lot for God (or was I) but I was not close to him, I was not sure I was really doing what He wanted. I committed to building intimacy with Christ and with Mary in some way. In time I was rewarded. I knew I needed to be able to seek Christ during the day, pour my heart out to Mary AT the time of need not just at the start and close of the day and during ‘rote’ prayers with my family.

I needed to learn to rely on my spiritual strength when I needed it most; all day long and often during the night! This took my humility to admit my weakness, my effort to seek council and direction and the hope and faith that if I persevered I would be rewarded. In time, during my prayer time, I started to see Mary, in the Pieta. I saw her with her son atop her in her arms. I went to her, laying my woes in her lap. Someone later told me that Mary is depicted in the Pieta exponentially larger than Jesus, to show her ability to take on the weight of the world. Next came a scene of Mary and Joseph in their humble abode; I was sitting with them. I was able to just listen, to chat; the perfect scenario for conversation – me with coffee in hand and Mary with herbal tea! I was indeed given the opportunity for a close and intimate relationship with our Lady and with Jesus; the sweetest rewards

I still fall and lose sight of a rich prayer time, but, because I once had a fruitful prayer time, I can quickly resume this relationship with little effort. It simply takes me admitting I’m falling and choosing to make my prayer time a priority.

Lastly, I connect often with the vision of Divine Mercy and Mary; in both cases, their arms out stretched, their love and mercy outpouring. I am inspired to show this love and mercy to my husband, my children, extended family, to strangers and each person I am in contact with. If my personal prayer life is suffering, I must be very careful not to get distracted by outside opportunities. I must prioritize and choose to take the time to be with God and with Mary, I envision Jesus in the Divine Mercy, Our Lady in the Pieta, all reaching out to help and to guide me.

If ALL I do is pray and connect with God and Mary in the ways I explained, this is what I believe will be the best way for me to carry out Gods will for my family for my specific calling. In doing so, I feel a great spiritual presence and peace. I’m able to pray in a moment’s notice, at time of frustration and joy. I am now able to feel peace and joy amidst chaos! I’ve listed in my notes some examples of what is currently working for me. Find what works for you, stick with it until you, through self examination, or perhaps a good friends or husband’s honesty, points it out to you that the defects of an ineffective prayer life are coming across to those you love. Admit this, seek council, turn to God and anticipate with expectant faith an answer to your efforts to better serve him as mother as wife.

Family Spiritual:

With the other areas on life in order it’s much easier to discern what our priorities should be for our family.

Be a calm and dedicated example open to change in your family routine to make sure what you do emulates the virtue you wish to instill. One decade prayed with the ability to guide the toddler and maintain order is better than an entire rosary with tension and chaos. Keep in mind, the chaos may be perpetuated by mom! We invite the children to come be part of our prayer time, and we also excuse them to pray in their rooms until they can come and be reverent.

Take the time at your weekly and monthly prayer time to evaluate who to set your family up for success and to be consistently fed spiritually as a family. Be realistic so you are able to follow through. As I see it, dinner is time for mom to provide for her husband a pleasant experience and her children the opportunity to learn manners and dinner table conversation, similarly, family prayer time and Sunday mass is not necessarily time for mom to be fed in the same way as her own contemplative time. Make your personal prayer time a priority and then feed your children the gift of prayer during the day.

Keeping family prayer time a priority yet accepting where we are at, many years we have opted to pray Holy minutes at the top of each hour from 9-3pm, ending with the Divine Mercy and then we only pray one decade of the rosary at night. The demands of the school day and the rigor of chores and outside activities, nursing baby, chasing toddler, listening to teens, all important needs to be met, can diminish the opportunity for family prayer to almost nothing if we let it.

Choosing a child to set a timer and walk through the house announcing ‘holy minute’, everyone stopping to pray, can be a far more fruitful prayer time than making sure we all gather for family rosary. We’ll usually close our day then with one decade and private prayers while tucking in. In the summer, on the other hand, the days are longer, we stay up later, and stopping at the top of the hour is not practical!

The point is, we make it a priority; we set realistic goals and persevere to see them come into fruition, all the while, seeking objective council to determine if we need to make adjustments.

Included in my notes are examples of others ideas that have worked for us.

Foster the Faith in your Children:

Here is answer the questions posed to me about fostering the faith in my children. A strong faith life for my children is going to first come from a mother who emulates virtue. Attitude is everything. One’s frame of mind is everything. I can become overwhelmed by all the many devotions and liturgical celebrations I’m neglecting, or, recognize that if I can just manage the mundane tasks of this stage of my vocation right now, I’m way on my way to sanctity. Moreover, if I’m in the right frame of mind my responses to the needs of my family will ‘is this all He’s asking of me? Or, if I’m lacking strength, it’s ‘woe is me, why is he asking so much of me?”

One of the greatest piece of advice from a wise friend was this ‘pray for them one toilet paper roll at a time!” Her pet peeve was rolling and rerolling the toilet paper roll! This comment made a deep impression on me; whether it be picking up the toilet paper roll again, changing the diaper AGAIN, rotating the laundry AGAIN, picking up my husband’s clothes that lay on the floor NEXT to the dirty laundry hamper AGAIN, finding my chocolate nibbled on AGAIN, my latte cold AGAIN, the seemingly simple every day things that IF we are spiritually sound with our priorities in order, we can almost chuckle while counting our blessings as we move through and beyond that task yet AGAIN. But, if we are out of balance I can react as if I’m a victim, put upon living a life of drudgery, monotony, imprisonment. I admit I’ve felt this way!

These daily hassles are our opportunity to sacrifice, our road to sanctity, our cross to carry with Christ, NOT to become burdensome. I must pick up the cross God gave to me especially, He has promised to pave the way and give me the grace to carry a cross as He did. Or, I can fall into near despair and see these opportunities as burden if I don’t keep my priorities in order.

I’ve learned to pray out loud ‘Lord, thank you’ ‘Lord help me”! “Mary help me be like you!”’ ST Anthony, please help me find this thing, I want to bring God glory!” I pray this way for myself; to better remember and be influenced but also as an example to my children so they know prayer is what the core of my day is. They do not see me go to daily mass anymore, or even get to the chapel for a holy hour so I go out of my way to show them creative ways to still make God the center of my life; the core of my being, the foundation of my thinking and actions.

I still fall, I still am led into temptation to carry a bad attitude, but, I try to emulate with each sacrifice if this is how God wants for me to be refined; bring it on!

I was asked; how do you nurture prayer as a sacred and special time with your family?

My view is this: during family prayer time, as with meals, my job is not to be fed but to guide and set an example. This is why I carve out other time of the day to pray and to be contemplative. My older children learn to lead and focus while I get up, discipline, gently guiding, holding the child with an encouraging whisper, ‘look, see how Johnny is praying so reverently, I know you can do this too!”

Having regular battles in trying to get to daily mass for instance means one of two things, either you are not organizing well enough to get there, or, you are not called to go. If evening rosary is a battle zone; change the time of day. If I know my patience is low, we do what we call the ‘tunnel rosary’ upstairs. The girls and the boys rooms are separated by a hall way; the needs are in the ‘tunnel’ in between praying so both rooms can hear and I walk from room to room praying and rubbing backs; we’re set up for success.

If the dynamics of a large family with a lot of little ones overwhelm you, examine your attitude, this is the perfect opportunity for your older children to learn reverence and perseverance in prayer and in avoiding distraction. If your kids are exposed to a prayerful setting, in time, they’ll want to be like the others, to be part of the team. Reward the good, ignore the bad, and discipline the unspeakable!

15. Book cases:

A mom wanted some practical advice on books shelves; you know the routine reply ‘a homeschooler can never have enough book shelves!”. Well, taken with a grain of salt, that is SO true. But, lately, I’ve encountered some mom’s who have been blessed with an abundance of books, or ‘bookaholics’ perhaps! You know, looking at the book with through the eyes of ‘oh, this is a great book, its free, or its inexpensive, I’ll take it!” vs. ‘do I need this book any time in the near future? Do I already have 1-2 books on this subject?” In my opinion, less is better and orderliness with our school things is essential to a smooth running operation!

I change things up and around every so often when I need to but for the most part I have all of the essential school books for my children in one room; a library. I have other picture books in all the areas that will entice the children to pick them up and to read them or where they have their quiet time i.e.: a stack in the living room and a stack in each bedroom. I keep board books handy for the 6mo. – 2 year old until they are trained to respect the books. Having too many books is like having too many clothes for ones husband or boys; they wear whats on top each day anyhow so unless you rotate them you might as well just have TWO! J

As for the ‘series books’ those are ones that I will move to the room that is age appropriate i.e.: I want my 8 year old to eat up the hardy boys so I place them in his room. I want my daughter to ‘eat up’ the American girl’s books so I place them nicely near her bed. Atop this invitation both from me and visually, the books look nice and signify the character of my child at that time; I like that.

I have liturgical books in whatever area that I will be ‘hanging with my kids’ i.e.: right now they are upstairs in the girls room cuz our routine right now is for me to pray the final rosary prayers and to read to all of the kids from the rocking chair. But, after baby is born, I might move them downstairs near the couch where I will probably read to them after breakfast while I nurse the baby. One of my favorite things is to read and to learn about the liturgical year with my kids; something I put off for too long to get housework and ‘real’ school out of the way; a big mistake on my part!

As for our school books and library of literature; I have boxed up or tucked away yet labeled well the curriculum we are NOT using for the coming year. I do NOT keep very much that I do not KNOW for certain that we are not going to use. It feels better to me that someone else is using it and that I have that extra space. Cramming and piling books, like anything else, will encourage ‘cramming’ and piling to a greater degree and will NOT encourage the child to put the book back where it belongs.

We label each book with a sticker that includes the person who is using this year and the grade they are in. the front sticker will read, “Susie , 9th, 2009/10”. On the back of the book I have a sticker that does NOT change from year to year i.e.:

Lincoln A photo biography

Civil War

5th grade history

Week 27

“Us history and geography for 9th grade

Weeks 17-22

This label includes the title of the book, the time period it is used for, and the grades I will be using it for.

So, someone asks me if they can borrow a book, instead of having to look up my ‘plan’ I can look on the back of the book and let them know yes, or no. If I find the book lying around I know where it goes and who to charge for leaving it out. …you can see the benefit of setting this up this way. I aim to put these labels on each time I make an order and the books arrive. The success of this plan has inspired me to keep up on this.