Prepping for Parenthood

Can I die laughing? I stole this from a new friend on Facebook. I very rarely friend people I've never met, but today I did. The comments on my college friend's page were just too much for either of us to resist. So fun! I'll probably never even meet this person! But we obviously share a sense of humor, as seen below:

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter &
tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their
head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper & read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents & berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels & how they
have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might
improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners &
overall behavior.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the
answers.

Test 3 - Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious
sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight & go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm & walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am & make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus & a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone & put it in the glove compartment. Leave it
there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk
Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely & ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used
chewing gum, dirty tissue & dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come
out & stare at you.
Give up & go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to
have more than 1 child, take more than 1 goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling & swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes & attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.

Test 10 - TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies &
Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa & jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo & leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds & then rub them on clean walls. Cover
the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor &
leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes:
No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional
crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while
playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child
in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream & put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children.